January 20, 2019

For  years I have been pouring my feelings onto paper. I never would share my - well I don't know if you would call them poems or just ramblings - but I decided on this bright and sunny Sunday, comfy in my flannel pyjamas in my sunny new apartment that daily fills me with peace and joy, that I will start now. 


In the spring of 2015, as I was weighing the pros and cons of leaving a man that I had moved all over the world for and bore three beautiful sons with, I wrote this little poem. I found it the other day while unpacking. I thought I had lost it and it had bothered me for a long time, because I remember vividly crying my eyes out as I wrote this down while sitting on a train back to Luxembourg from Paris, where I had attended a much coveted week to actors training.


I have a lot of papers full of scribbles and notes and thoughts, and during the last months of sorting, selling, giving and throwing away parts of my life and history as I prepared for moving out of the place that the kids and I called home for the last 7 years - a record for me in my life of constant change, I have rediscovered pieces of myself that I thought I had lost for good. So, here you go.


Why do I try

when he stopped so long ago?


Maybe he never had to

I did it for both of us


If only I had loved myself

half as much as he

                                      loved himself.


We have an amazing capacity to

actively not see what is right before our eyes.

We fashion our world the way we 

                think it should be

                                  rather than face what it is.


We are so busy shortchanging ourselves.

I am bankrupt from all the shortchanging.


It's time to pay myself back

It is time to see

I was standing on my own the whole time - 

I just didn't believe.



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